Holiday Dread

By Julie Morton, PhD and Debbie Lis, ATC
Published in Resolve, for the Journey and Beyond, Winter 2009

She looks at her husband. “I just don’t know if I can do it,” and in the shorthand manner of couples who have been together since the creation of dirt, he understood what she was saying completely.“It will be fine,” he replied. Why didn’t he worry? She seemed to worry about everything.

• What if her family treats her like a broken doll?
• What if his parents look at her,regretfully, wishing their son had married someone more fertile? What if his sister goes on and on about how it is just “mind over matter”?
• What if his brother, with his three kids, gives her the “it’s not always fun and games” speech?
• What about her own self-blame? How will she manage the sadness, the resentment, the anger and the guilt?

The guilt around the holidays is always the worst. It comes from all sides. It is everywhere you look. There is the disappointment — them in you, him in you, you in him, in the life challenges you were not expecting and don’t always have the physical or emotional capacity to deal with and mostly, you are disappointed in yourself.

How can you put on a brave face and “enjoy” this gift of family time when what you really want to do is curl up into a ball and come out after the thaw, or when you have that baby that you so desperately want?

To cope with the holiday season, start by remembering what the holidays are meant for – a time of coming together and celebrating your blessings. Remember to take stock of what you have in your life. Remember what you are doing for your husband, family, and most importantly, for yourself. You can also remind yourself that, despite their meaning, the holidays can be a time of stress for families around the world – where family gets under your skin in a way that no one else can.

During this holiday season, be generous and compassionate to yourself. Remind yourself of all the steps you have taken, and continue to take, on your journey to parenthood that are leading you down a path to resolution. Try to think about reframing the perceived judgment of others. Remind yourself that those around you are trying to be helpful and supportive. Sometimes they simply don’t know what to do or say to help you. In trying to be helpful or kind they bludgeon you with the proverbial heavy stick without even realizing it; it’s likely that they will be devastated if they knew the bloodying impact their words or actions have upon you. If possible, talk to your family and friends about the apprehension that you are feeling and suggest ways in which they can support you. They are your family and friends,and, in all likelihood, will do what they can to be sensitive to your needs.

Being Sensitive to your Needs

In order to be sensitive to your needs, start off by realizing that what you are experiencing is normal. Joining a fertility support group may help (ask your doctor and contact RESOLVE for resources in your area). Journaling and talking to a professional –be it a coach, therapist or a family communication strategist – will also help you understand and deal with the emotional challenges that you are experiencing as a result of your fertility journey.

Dr. Julie Morton and Debbie Lis are Partners at Conscious Legacy Coaching(CLC), an organization dedicated to personal Legacy fulfillment. To contact Conscious Legacy Coaching, visit www.CLCoaching.com or 416.789.9050