THE SECRET OF INFERTILITY: When to Tell, Who to Tell, and How to Tell

By Linda D. Applegarth, Ed.D.

It is difficult to share the secret of infertility. It means becoming vulnerable to questions,comments, and criticisms. But what is the price we pay by NOT talking about it? For one thing, holding on to the secret contributes to an already highly stressful situation. We find ourselves lying, pretending, covering-up, isolating ourselves, and sometimes overburdening our partners with our pain and anxiety. In other words, sharing the secret of infertility may ultimately be good for our mental health and well-being! However, knowing who, and when and how to tell may be key to getting necessary and appropriate support from others during this life crisis.

Who to Tell: It is important to find people with whom you feel safe enough to share your feelings. Surprisingly, they may not be your closest friends or those who you feel might usually be most supportive. Many who think that they are being supportive may, in fact, demonstrate their ignorance and insensitivity on this issue: "Why don't you just adopt? There are so many poor children who need homes." These types of comments leave us feeling hurt and angry, and we may tend to withdraw further from others. It may be more helpful to talk with someone you know who has had some experience with infertility or has had recurrent miscarriages. They may better understand this loss and its meaning in your life. Or, perhaps you have a parent or close relative that is non-judgmental and will support you through "thick and thin." Now may be the time to turn to them. You may sometimes fear that if you share your infertility, others will not keep the secret - that your efforts to have a child will become "grist for the gossip mill" - something that you dread more than anything else! In that case, contacting the National or chapter RESOLVE HelpLine or joining a RESOLVE support group may be a great solution. Not only will you connect with people who know how you feel, but they will also maintain confidentiality and protect your privacy. Having someone to talk with about your fears and anxieties can make a big difference in your ability to cope and to make decisions.

Although your spouse is often a huge source of strength and support, it may not always be productive or fair to lean too heavily on him/her. Remember that although your partner shares this crisis with you, it can likewise mean that he or she is less objective or has less energy to be available or fully supportive. It's so easy to feel completely helpless during infertility, and the inability to make one another feel better can sometimes put a strain on a relationship.

When to Tell: Knowing the right time to share information about your infertility experience with others can be a challenge. You may believe that there is never really a good time. During an acute crisis such as a failed cycle or unexpected bad news regarding a medical diagnosis or an adoption disappointment, you may find it more helpful to talk with a RESOLVE HelpLine volunteer or an infertility/adoption counselor, or join a support group. This can be especially true if you have never previously spoken about your infertility with family or friends and co-workers. If they are unaware of your efforts to build a family, they may be unprepared to support you through this crisis. Instead, you may find yourself overwhelmed with questions and concerns about your infertility history and decision-making process rather than having your distress or sadness attended to. Or, you may later regret having provided so much with such intensity. Perhaps the best time to share information about your infertility is during a "quiet time" in the process. This could be a time when you are taking a break, or between cycles. It is during these periods when you may be better able to control the outflow of information and modulate your feelings.

When those you love and trust have some awareness of your infertility, they, too, can be better prepared to nurture and support you during the especially painful and unanticipated crises.

How to Tell: Although you may be open to the idea of talking with others about your infertility, you may be hesitant to do so because you feel unable to find the right words. The intimate, sexual nature of infertility may cause you discomfort or embarrassment. Or, you anticipate getting a barrage of unsolicited advice or stories about Aunt Mary's best friend's cousin who miraculously conceived after four years of infertility and trying the XYZ treatment six times. Limited but straightforward information may work best: " Sally and I are trying to have a family. We have a doctor who we trust, and work with regularly. Beyond that, we don't have any information to share - nor do we know how long this process will take. Your understanding really means a lot to us."

If you are generally uncomfortable talking about the infertility, but want others to know about it and support you, it is crucial that you keep the information simple and direct, and make those around you aware that there are limits on your willingness to discuss the issue.

For many, the secret of infertility is a difficult one to share. Yet, the ability to talk about this very personal and private experience will, in many ways, validate your feelings and also help reduce your stress and anxiety.

We want to hear from you on this topic, send your comments to familybuilding@resolve.org