Coping with the Holidays

Diane Clapp, BSN, RN, Medical Information Director, National RESOLVE
December 6, 2004

The opinions expressed herein are the guest's alone. If you have questions about your health, you should consult your personal physician. This chat is meant for informational purposes only. The following chat transcript has been edited.
 

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[RESOLVE] Hello to everyone who has joined us this evening! RESOLVE's chat on Coping with the Holidays, is being hosted by Diane Clapp, BSN, RN. Diane is the Medical Information Director at National RESOLVE. She is also the medical editor of our Family Building magazine and has a private practice, Fertility Resources, in the Boston area.

[RESOLVE] Diane, would you like to begin with a few words?

[Diane Clapp] Yes, I would like to welcome you all as well. This often is a difficult time of year when you are expected to be happy but you may not be.

[RESOLVE] What are some tips to help people protect themselves from feeling sad during the holidays?

[Diane Clapp] RESOLVE, the first thing is to identify what are the "hot spots" that make you particularly sad and then think how you might modify your behavior to protect yourself. For instance if shopping makes you sad when many children are around- order over the phone or shop at night. This is a time to be selfish- by that I mean take care of your self.

[RESOLVE] Do you have any tips on how someone could protect themselves in a restaurant, store, theater, etc. where there will be lots of children?

[Diane Clapp] RESOLVE, go at a time when children may not be present. The one thing to remember is that you do not want their children -you want your own. This season can really trigger those feelings of loss and grief.

[RESOLVE] Do you have any suggestions for those who are dealing with the feeling of jealousy?

[Diane Clapp] RESOLVE, jealousy is a terrible feeling. It can lead to resentment as well. It is important to identify what exactly you are jealous of- is it that the other person could get pregnant or are pregnant or is it that they are parents? Infertility has so many dimensions and it helps to be clear with yourself about what you envy. It can help to use humor and tell your friend exactly what you are jealous of- "I would give my right leg to be in your situation"- this gives your friend the message that you are missing something important and may give her or him a chance to support you emotionally.

[Julie] Do you have any suggestions on how to answer the question of "When are you planning to start a family?" from relatives/friends/acquaintances, whom you do not want to tell that you're having trouble trying to conceive?

[Karen] Julie, I always say "we're working on it."

[Julie] Thanks-- that's a good idea. It gives information without giving too much detail.

[Diane Clapp] Great question Julie. If you are okay with them knowing you are considering starting a family- you can say ,"We are thinking about it." If you don't want them to know even that much you may consider saying-"Right now we, you and your husband, are family."

[RESOLVE] Do you have any advice for those finding it difficult to enjoy the holidays when they are surrounded by people celebrating with their children?

[Diane Clapp] RESOLVE, it is important to begin starting your own traditions and that may mean staying home with your husband and only visiting the family or friends who have children for a little while. You may want to plan when to visit by thinking about what is the hardest part of the visit. If it is watching little ones open presents, then visit after you know that part of the day is over. It is also a good idea to set a time limit with your partner so that you will know ahead of time when you will be leaving.

[Karen] I have a question, of how to go to the holiday parties with family and keep my chin up and not be sad that I don't have little ones to share the holiday with. Any suggestions? I love my niece and nephew, but it is hard. I'm going on two and a half years of trying for a child and every year, my husband and I try to focus on being together and how great it is, but now this is the third time, it is getting much harder.

[Diane Clapp] That is such a difficult situation, Karen. I hope your family is supportive. Sometimes you just can't keep your chin up and have to say "this year is difficult. We had so hoped to be here with a baby." You don't have to protect others all the time. Infertility is a life crisis; other life crisis situations are given much more support.

[Karen] My mom thinks that is silly to stay away or only go for a short time, we've talked about doing that. How do I explain to her why we are doing what we are doing? Or explain to my sister that we will only be there for a short time?

[Diane Clapp] Karen, I think it may be time to say that you love sharing the holidays but this year it is particularly hard and you will be coming for a short time or you could suggest having a celebration like lunch out with them if you want to avoid the whole family holiday scene. When I say having lunch out with them, I mean doing that on a day or so before or after the holiday. It gives you back some control and that can make you feel better.

[RESOLVE] RESOLVE's Family Building magazine, Spring 2004 issue, features articles "Coping with Mother's Day and Father's Day." Please contact the RESOLVE HelpLine, 888-623-0744 or info@resolve.org, for more information.

[Karen] That's true, I just think that they will be disappointed in me, but I guess I need to think about me and not always them.

[Diane Clapp] Exactly!!!! And remember Karen, you will not always feel this way. You are taking care of yourself and taking some control back when your life feels out of control.

[Meghan] Karen, my situation is very similar. Going on three years of trying. We have eight nieces and nephews under the age of six. I purposely scheduled my laparoscopy last year on 12/23 to have an "out." We've just suffered our third miscarriage so I think the expectations of us attending family events and pasting smiles on our faces are pretty low this year. I think you are right, Karen. It's okay for it to be all about you. Easier said than done, I know!

[Karen] Thanks Meghan!

[Diane Clapp] If you are looking for an "excuse" to avoid a family gathering it sometimes works to schedule a volunteer opportunity at that exact time. Family and friends can't say much if you have chosen to serve a meal at a shelter, etc. So that is one option to consider.

[Clara] Hello. What I am finding is particularly hard about the holidays is that when you are in the midst of infertility treatment, that tends to take over. How do you continue with infertility treatment and at the same time enjoy family and friends who are not intimately involved with your life?

[Diane Clapp] Hi Clara. Well, we all know that infertility treatment feels like a second job and it is even harder at this time of year. You will need to conserve your energy and select the things you feel will nourish and give you enjoyment.

[RESOLVE] Do you have any advice for those who are conflicted between wanting to attend their house of worship during the holidays and wanting to avoid the painful reminders of infertility during this time of year?

[Julie] Hi RESOLVE-- One thing I would suggest is to perhaps go to church at a time when fewer kids would likely be there. For example, go at midnight on XMAS Eve rather than in the morning on XMAS day.

[Diane Clapp] Yes I agree with Julie- select the services that are for adults

[RESOLVE] Julie that is a great suggestion. Thanks for being apart of this evening's chat.

[Karen] I need advice about how to deal with friends who have newborns at this time of year and after we just found out that our IVF didn't work. I want to celebrate with them, but I don't know if I can.

[Diane Clapp] Karen, you will need to think about what celebrating with them means. Can you avoid going to the hospital and visit the baby at home if that is easier or send a bank savings bond or gift by mail if seeing the baby is difficult. I think honesty is the best policy here; telling your friend how happy you are for her (them) but that you hope she will understand that this is a difficult time for you.

[Clara] Thank you Diane. A part of me feels like I don't want to join other people's celebrations. I am not up to having my own. I think you are right. I am going to pick and choose where I feel most comfortable. I will also find it hard to find people who are available to give me shots during the holiday, I bet.

[Diane Clapp] Clara ask your clinic if they have suggestions or if you can ask to have a visiting nurse come to your home. It is expensive though!

[Cyndi] Clara, I know how you feel - I often don't feel like joining in celebrations either, and I feel like I'm being selfish.

Invalid tag: [[Diane Clapp] Well, it is important to be selfish. By that I mean taking care of yourself; whatever that may mean for you. If you are going to be distressed for several days before and after a party, don't go. The hostess and host won't suffer; you may if you attend but really don't want to go!

[Julie] My husband is generally very supportive, but I think he finds it very hard to understand why I have such a difficult time being around babies. Is it usually the case that this is much harder for the wife than for the husband? How can I help him to understand?

[Diane Clapp] Julie, the infertility loss often hits men and women differently. It might help to ask him "Other than how sad I am, what is the hardest part of this infertility experience for you" and also ask, "What is the hardest part of the holiday season for you." You may be surprised to hear what is hardest and then you both can talk about how to protect each other from those "hardest things." A Client of mine said for him infertility was like having a blueprint of the house of your dreams and then the basic structure was put up and then a storm came and whipped it all out, then they rebuilt and again it was whipped out. To him, it felt like the loss of a dream that he had worked hard for; just like infertility and not having a baby to hold at the holidays!!

[Julie] Thanks, Diane.

[RESOLVE] Transcripts for this chat will be available in approximately two weeks. You can view or download past chats by visiting the "Chat" link on our website, www.resolve.org.

[Andrea] I have the hardest time when friends make "big announcements" about being pregnant. That's when I want to go and cry somewhere. Any advice? Thanks.

[Karen] Andrea, I do go and cry somewhere......I think that's okay.

[Cyndi] Me too

[Meghan] Me too!

[Andrea] Thanks for saying that. It seems that people know my situation but I work with almost all women and they love to get in a group and talk babies. I just can't be part of that. It's too painful.

[Diane Clapp] Andrea, it is always hard to be caught by that kind of news. It is so much better if they call or email you so you can have time to digest it. It often happens at holidays that that kind of big announcement is dropped; so prepare as best you can and then perhaps have a signal for your partner like, three coughs in a row mean "I need to get out of here fast" and that you want him to rescue you by saying, "Just got a call and we unfortunately have to leave. And yes crying is perfectly okay and natural.

[Karen] How should we deal with the "sympathy" that we get from people? I don't want people to feel sorry for us, I just want them to understand and support us. Especially this time of year.

[Diane Clapp] Karen that is a good question. People don't want pity they want support and I think the best thing to do is to validate it when you get support; that way people learn what they can do to support you or have done that was supportive. Be specific and tell them what they did that was helpful-and maybe they will do more of it!!

[RESOLVE] If you are interested in receiving more information, RESOLVE offers literature on Coping with the Holidays, which is available to order either online, www.resolve.org, and by contacting our HelpLine 888-623-0744 or info@resolve.org.

[Clara] Do you have any advice for dealing with people we thought were close friends, who turned out not to be there for us during our infertility crisis? I have one person in my life for 23 years. I was always there for her, through the births of her children, through her divorce. How dare she not be there for me. I always spend some time during the holidays with her, but I am angry. Any suggestions?

[Diane Clapp] Clara, sometimes one of the greatest losses of infertility is that of special friendships. Some people don't understand because they have not been educated and others really don't "get it" and those are the ones who you may always feel differently about.

[Vince] I struggle everyday to understand my wife's roller coaster emotions. It's worse during the holidays. Does Clomid/Clomiphene effect your emotions?

[Karen] Vince, you better believe it! Clomid affected me like no other drug has since!!!!!

[Diane Clapp] Vince, Clomid is a drug that can really cause mood swings. The mood swings can be while on the days she is taking the medication or when the hormones shift when she gets her period.

[Vince] Thanks for the input. I thought so, it is just good to hear it from someone else.

[RESOLVE] When should people ask their family for what they need, in terms of emotional support, during the holidays? One week before, two, etc?

[Karen] RESOLVE, great question. I have the same one.

[Diane Clapp] Karen, I think it is a good idea to tell your family or friends what you will be doing i.e. what your needs are as early as possible. Then no one can claim that you ruined their plans and you will be relieved of dreading the holidays. Another option, if you have the energy, is to decide to entertain and host yourself to get it out of the way but again all in your control. You set the time, date, etc. and then can feel guilt free for the rest of the season. But you have to feel that you have the energy and that can be difficult if you are sad and depressed.

[Cyndi] That might give you something else to focus on for a while.

[Karen] distractions can be good

[RESOLVE] The RESOLVE toll-free HelpLine is available to answer your questions during business hours Monday - Friday, 9am-4pm ET and Monday evenings 7pm-10pm ET at 1-888-623-0744. Members have the opportunity to contact our Medical Call-In HelpLine, also 888-623-0744, Wednesdays 1-4pm ET.

[RESOLVE] Diane, do you have any final thoughts or suggestions you could share on how people living with infertility can cope with the holidays?

[Diane Clapp] RESOLVE, my final thoughts are that this is also a time to reflect on how far you have come, individually and as a couple and to acknowledge that. There has been pain and loss and disappointment but you have made it through. You need to think of three or four things to do for yourself at this time of year and make sure that you do them for yourself. Be gentle with yourself during this difficult time of year!

[RESOLVE] Diane, thank you for your time and ongoing support of RESOLVE and your dedication to this family building issue. We also send a special thank you to everyone for your participation and all of your great questions

[RESOLVE] Providing the chat on Coping with the Holidays, hosted by Diane Clapp, BSN, RN, has been our pleasure. We hope you have found this information helpful. If you have further questions, please contact the RESOLVE HelpLine at 888-623-0744, Monday through Friday, 9am until 4pm ET and Monday evenings from 7pm-10pm ET.

[Guest]] You've been such a support for me going through this experience. I can't thank you enough for the personal knowledge and care you've extended me through the help line recently.

[Karen] Thanks so much Diane and everyone. It is great to have a place to come to and "chat."

[Kelly] Thank you, Diane.

[Andrea] With Christmas parties approaching, this was a great time talk about this issue. Thank you RESOLVE and Diane.

[Clara] Thanks to Diane and all of you!

[Julie] Thanks!

[Meghan] Thanks. I'm not alone and it feels good to know that!

[Cyndi] Thank you!

[Diane Clapp] Thank you for sharing your thoughts and allowing me to share mine!

[RESOLVE] Good luck everyone and Happy Holidays from the RESOLVE staff.