Center for Infertility Justice Blog Logo

The words we use…or don’t use…and what infertility has taught me 

Posted by: Barbara Collura at March 18, 2014 
Category: Infertility Advocacy 

Each day RESOLVE uses its Facebook page to post a question from the community, that is, our community. People who follow us, people who volunteer for us, and people who just want to connect with someone else going through the same journey.

We post these questions because it gets the community engaged and frankly provides amazing insight, advice, support, and information to others. The community helping the community. We love it.

So yesterday, March 17, we posted a question from a real person who reached out to RESOLVE. Many people were offended by the language used by this person. This was the question: “I have PCOS and my tubes are not blocked. I tried chlomid and that did not work. I cannot afford IVF and over 40 the insurance does not pay. We are in the middle of adopting but I want a child of my own. Any affordable treatment?"

In response to this question, the posts from the community started coming in, and then more, and then even more. And so I thought I would add my two cents and post my response. While RESOLVE believes in positive adoption language (and for all other family building options), we chose to post this question for two reasons:

  1. This was a real question with an opinion about adoption that we hear and we know exists.
  2. We trust and rely upon our social media communities to be part of these discussions and to support and educate each other. This is a place for our community members to use their voice and lead the conversation. 

Words matter. They absolutely do. Full disclosure – I went through infertility, failed treatment, and then despair. I sat in a therapist’s office for over a year, trying to move on. I felt so much loss that I couldn’t even put it into words. Then, I went to a RESOLVE educational program here in the Washington, D.C. area and I attended a session called “Adoptive Parents Panel.” I heard about their stories, their struggles, and their journeys. And then I heard one of them say “What changed everything for me was realizing that what I really wanted was to be a parent.” That is what I needed to hear. But I needed to hear it from someone who had walked my walk, but was farther down the road than me. I needed to hear it from someone “on the other side.” I needed to hear it from someone who was not judging me and saying “just adopt”. I needed to be taught those words and this new language. 

At RESOLVE we don’t judge anyone on how they choose to build their family. Many, many people tell me they just can’t go through with IVF – for whatever reason. Many, many people tell me they just can’t go through with adopting – for whatever reason. Even those who decide to adopt, you often hear people say “I just couldn’t adopt internationally” or “I just can’t do an open adoption.” That is how people feel – that is real. We don’t judge them for having those feelings or saying those words. But we can provide support, information, resources, and a community that can wrap our arms around them and support them, in whatever they decide to do. 

Let’s use this opportunity to get better…to be open to others wherever they are, and use our collective wisdom to support them – but inform them too. We do have an obligation to the public to educate them about the world of infertility, and to use the right language and words. We can do the same with each other, in the most caring and supportive of ways. So let’s not judge this woman for being honest and saying how she feels today. Because it may very well be that because of the feedback from the community, she’s now learned something and tomorrow she uses different words to describe her feelings. That is all we can hope for as advocates for this community.

I am grateful that one adoptive mom shared her feelings because it made me realize that my holding on to “having my own child” was really “I want to be a parent.” My son (adopted at 5 months) is now 13, and I’m proud to be his mom.

I want to thank everyone for their input and sharing their feelings with us, as this type of discourse moves our community forward. 

Barbara Collura is the President/CEO for RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association. 



Submitted by Huey at: May 16, 2017
Does your blog have a contact page? I'm having a tough time locating it but, I'd like to send you an email. I've got some recommendations for your blog you might be interested in hearing. Either way, great site and I look forward to seeing it expand over time. My weblog :: [url=]obat keputihan herbal[/url]
Submitted by Katherina at: April 1, 2017
Hi there! This is kind of off topic but I need some help from an established blog. Is it very difficult to set up your own blog? I'm not very techincal but I can figure things out pretty fast. I'm thinking about making my own but I'm not sure where to begin. Do you have any points or suggestions? Many thanks Also visit my web page - [url=]Bubble car[/url]
Submitted by Bernadette at: February 7, 2017
I have been exploring for a little bit for any high quality articles or blog posts in this kind of house . Exploring in Yahoo I at last stumbled upon this web site. Reading this information So i am happy to express that I've an incredibly excellent uncanny feeling I discovered just what I needed. I most definitely will make sure to do not disregard this website and provides it a glance on a relentless basis. My web blog - [url=]bidone aspiratutto classifica del 2017[/url]
Submitted by Beatrice at: November 14, 2016
The proceeds of selling your older car can go to the operations of the charity like giving food or clothing to the family that they supported. So, you are not required to move from one dealer to another for ideal model. According to Campbell Fuller, spokesman for the ICA, buyers need to contact their insurer before agreeing to a purchase. Review my webpage; [url=]Klay Thompson Crossover Jersey[/url]
Submitted by Maik at: October 15, 2016
I desired to thank you a lot more for this remarkable website you've created here. It is truly is filled with helpful tips for all those who are really enthusiastic about this subject matter, particularly this very post. Also visit my weblog [url=]wartrol review[/url]
Submitted by Julissa at: August 22, 2016
I am glad to be one of the visitants on this outstanding site (:, thanks for putting up. Stop by my weblog: [url=]Dermalife Review[/url]



©2017 RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association Since 1974
Headquarters: 7918 Jones Branch Road, Suite 300, McLean, VA 22102
Phone 703-556-7172 | Contact Us | About | Privacy Policy | Disclaimer|